RELATIONSHIP: THE NEED OF WANTING TO BE WANTED
Dear lover ~
Our “relationship” and the need of wanting to be wanted is over….
The expectation that the other one knows what is the right thing for us and what we want them to do to us….
This is a position of entitlement that comes with judgments and manipulation.
“I want you to want me…” ~ there is nothing to want in “there”… except possession and ownership.
Truly, all we can do in “there” is to let go of the projected needs of the other… Surrender into the softness so that we can become ‘an invitation’ and through that make a passive offer of being available unconditionally for anything the other one wants to do to us for their own benefit and enjoyment, by being able to see and feel us in our vulnerability and allow and respect our boundaries.
Giving this verbal permission and consent “I am yours” and “I take care of my boundaries.”
Is this currently a missing piece of our engagement?
What is required for achieving a the deep connection to life and our neurological imperative within the nervous system, to one day die into the divine?
How do we move from here?…..
After giving you the permission “you can do to me what ever you want, please trust that I will take care of my boundaries”, I will ask for the same permission “may I do to you whatever I want, and also trust that you will take care of your boundaries?”
“I need you to trust me the way I trust you”
We need to take Radical Self Responsibility for our own actions and by doing so, we can find ourselves being able to feel where the ‘other’ is at.
By realising that the other one is a fragile and vulnerable soul as well. We have to discover and embrace our own needs and accept that the other one cannot be responsible for fulfilling them.
We have to find verbal access to our needs and wants and be willing and able to express them ~ ”here is what I want you to do to me”.
In this, we are faced with having to accept and admit our own shadows around ‘over serving’, of doing everything for the other in order to ‘make them happy’ when ‘being in love’. We are faced with realising that this is shadow behavior, where we give only to get loved back, by pleasing the other, and expecting that we will receive exactly what we gave in return.
We burn out through over-serving, resentment is created and we blame the other from a place of feeling that the other’s giving is never enough and that it is not meeting our own expectations.
Respecting the other’s boundaries can happen when we realise and learn to express our own “no’s” ~ by stopping the constant ‘doing’ and ‘interfering’ with the other’s busyness to ‘please’…“Your happiness is My happiness”. If the other one is not reaching out for us, we have to go in action and reach out for them.
Instead, we have to acknowledge our own needs, respect the other’s boundaries and actively allow the honouring of them.
We have to learn to ask for what we want and how we want it, and express our need to receive that which we want.
And also learn to recognise that it is a ‘moment-to-moment’ engagement, which may fluctuate ~ thus needs and boundaries may need to be revised.
From this place we can step into our humble and generous position of devotion of somebody’s ‘wants’ and at the same time keep our own boundaries by making the offer ”if there is anything you would like me to do for you, please let me know”, because without your request I’m not going to do anything to you. Unless I want to make an offer to you of a free, unconditional gift.
And I don’t want you to do anything to or for me except if I make a specific request and proactively ask you for it. And please honour and respect both your and my boundaries. When you would like to give a free gift, please ask me first if I would like to receive this. If it’s a surprise, please let me find the authentic expression of how it feels in the moment to respond to your action.
If we can meet in an innocent place of allowing each other to be ‘playful in the moment’ and at the same time respect and accept the other being fragile and vulnerable because we know our own, then we can celebrate life and love free as children again without separation… instead we can be in connection of oneness.
I accept and hold that you are responsible for your needs and your own pleasure and boundaries, because I know I’m responsible for mine.
Also, you are utterly free, and so am I. There is no need or place for me to give you permission to have pleasure with somebody else, if we allow that, you give your power over to me, and I don’t want that.
I can’t control you or somebody else, it’s not in my power and it would be arrogant to assume I could. Same for you.
Through all this, “Relationship” is over.
Instead, let’s meet as free beings with no ‘rules’ other than ‘Love’.
(inspired by “The Wheel of Consent”)